Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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