I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
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MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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