im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
