The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
