you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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