Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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