My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
