You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
