watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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