It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
