U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
