I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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