i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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