When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
