Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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