I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
