if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
