i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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