i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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