Are we in a gay sports bar?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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