I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
