Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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