i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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