I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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