I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I want her autograph on my taint
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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