Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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