next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
