yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
