He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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