i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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