I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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