end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
