i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
