i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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