matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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