I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
