Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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