Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
