New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
