The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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