my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
