I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
