Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
