Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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