please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
