Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
