I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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