He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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