Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
