she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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