What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
