Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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