Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
