i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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