Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
