Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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