I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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