well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
